can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. I am also very sympathetic with the LW. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. Who the fuck cares? Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. Wheres your compassion for that? She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. It wasnt the red wedding. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. What does it mean to. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Probably not the last. Hes feeding her a line. What is a Revocable Living Trust for a Married Couple? That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. It happened to my cousins daughter, although she wasnt pregnant. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. Turns out my daughter had tried to wake him up for juice, his mom told her not to wake him and that she would get it for her. And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. He blames you for the problems in your relationship. . I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. . ? something random Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Nicole Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? Its not easy, but its necessary. He talks to his mom about it. Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. Promise or no, he does not owe allegiance to his mother OVER them. Its easy to shift blame to others. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. June 18, 2015, 10:07 am. Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? TaraMonster Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. The womans her MIL. If couple activities were a part of your marriage and you stopped doing them because of busy work schedules, it may be the reason you have started to dislike your husband. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? Aubrey Ray something random She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. honeybeenicki Whadda hypocrite! If it was that awful, she should have put her foot down and moved before now. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. Soooo I think that Husband promised to step in and take care of his mother. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. What changed all of a sudden? I for one would be going nuts if I were in this situation. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). Bittergaymark My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. High moral principles. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. Taken time to learn what the MILs issues really were and what kind of care she needed. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. And I do think there is a contradiction on the part of the LW in accepting support but being unwilling to return it in kind. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. However, it doesnt always work like that. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. He spends less time at home. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. I have mentioned that I love living now? We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? What do I mean? They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. I agree that it is too much to handle, but her solution isnt the right one. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. On top of all that, she has a bad memory and the worst judgment and I dont want my daughter or newborn to be around her. I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. February 24, 2017, 11:43 am. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. Is this a normal feeling? Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. Her husband had cheated and understandably so, the wife was filled with rage and feelings of hatred. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. And I would assume husband had an OK upbringing, hence the promise to always look after mother. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. I think it is natural to feel a little defensive when strangers comment on how shitty someone is for not caring about their poor parents. 3. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. something random Duplex is a great idea. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. 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